Doing the thing I fear the most right now.

     Sometimes holding onto the past can be good and other times it can be bad.  I have a past that I would rather forget.   Being in an abused childhood was not easy, but it made me who I am today.  Today I am a strong willed woman who has the biggest desire to start her own family and love God.  God is the one who has been there for me through it all, even at the times that I didn't even know He was there for me or when I just flat out denied Him.
    I have had the feeling of talking to my biological father (who I only consider a sperm donator now) lately.  But how can I do that when anytime I think about him anxiety wells up inside me?  I know he can't hurt me anymore, but there is still that feeling of terror there. 
   The reason I have been thinking about him is because I feel I have to talk to him to see if he knows Christ before he dies.  I am not sure if I want him in Heaven with me, but I know God wants him there. God loves everyone and forgives them of their sins if they ask for it and they believe in Him.
   So as a step forward in my faith I am going to try to talk to the one person who I never planned on talking to at all ever again, my biological father.  I just took that leap of faith and asked him if he had asked for forgiveness and accepted Christ as his savior.  I did this via txt so I will have to wait to see what he says.  The only reason I have his number is because someone gave him my phone number against my wishes, and he had been texting me without letting me know who it was. He would send jokes to my phone and when I asked who it was in return he just ignored the question, till one day he said that he was my father and wanted to know if I had any questions for him. He also said that he did not want to scare me: I have to beg the question, if he didn't want to scare me then why didn't he let me know who it was when I asked?  See my biological father has been trying to locate me and will not give up. He begs my brother and sister for information about me till he drives them crazy. So I have been doing everything in my power to not have any communication with him at all.  But God has been speaking to my heart lately, telling me that I need to lead Tony to the Lord.  Maybe through me somehow, he will finally accept Christ and ask for forgiveness.
   I am not writing this for self gratification or for people to say "wow she is brave for doing that".  I am writing this because I am full of anxiety right now and just need a way to get it out.  I know God will relieve me of this anxiety over time. And I truly feel that He is the reason for this feeling of needing to talk to Tony about God.
   Maybe this will help someone else who went through the same thing to lead others who hurt them to Christ.  Or maybe it will lead someone who was hurt to Christ, knowing that I was hurt but now am living a blessed life because I believe in Christ.