All in Gods Time!!

   Well this Sat will mark my 34 year birthday.  It is another year that I am not a mother.   Because of my childhood I have wanted to start my own family (the right way) since I was 15 years old.  But year after year have passed and I have not had any children.  I set a time frame of having kids by the time I was 30 years old and that didn't happen either.   Every year that went by without being a mother was like another nail being put in my coffin.  I would just cry due to the heartache of not having kids. 
  My boyfriend (who is now my husband) would always tell me that it will happen in Gods time.  But to me that was not a good enough answer.  I know people who have had kids in their teens and without being married and also people who didn't even deserve kids.....so why was I knot being blessed to have kids????   Was I being punished for some reason??  I just didn't understand it, and I still don't understand it. 
  I didn't get married until I was 33 years old. We got married 9-13-13, it took me forever to get there but I finally got married.  In May of 2012 I was in a car accident that caused me to have to have rhizotomies done in my back and had to have a metal disk put in my neck--I could have been paralyzed if I didn't have that neck surgery.  At the time of the car accident and the months that followed I couldn't comprehend why God would allow that to happen.  But looking back on it now, God allowed that to happen so that I could get married.  But four days before our wedding day I was in another car accident. I was still able to have my wedding, I was all full of pain meds and couldn't dance at my wedding but at least the wedding still happened!! 
   Life has not been easy with my back pain.  I was advised to not have children until my back is fixed. I use a cane and even a wheelchair to walk and go to the stores now.  I had to have more rhizotomies done on my back.
   The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have had a miscarriage.  I found out I was pregnant on Dec 30th and 6 days later I was miscarrying, I was 5weeks pregnant. We were not even trying to get pregnant due to my back issues.  With every thing that I have gone though already and knowing that I want kids so bad, I can't figure out why God would put me through a miscarriage.  Was it the rhizotomies that I had that caused it?  Was it the pain pills I have been on (and am still on) that caused it?  There is no way to know.  My mother and father in-law said that it happened because they believe there would have been something wrong with the baby and God didn't want that.  But I questioned "Why would God even make me pregnant then??"  It hurt so bad because I longed for children for so long.
  With my back issues I never would have been able to care for the baby if I had had it.  I might not have even been able to make it through the full pregnancy even due to back issues.  Maybe God allowed the miscarriage to show me that I was able to get pregnant, cause I had wondered if I even ever could. I don't know, and I might not ever know why it happened. 
  This year I am not going to cry over not having children.  I realize I can't have them until my back is fixed because I am not able to care for them.  I am putting my faith in God that one day I will have children.  I don't know when, but I believe I will. 
  We need to realize that everything happens in Gods time not ours.  If I had had a baby before now, or if I was even pregnant now, I would not be able to care for it or myself (I cant even care for myself right now). The miscarriage still makes me cry but I realize that it was for the best. I have to count the blessing that I have.....this is the first year that I am married!! Yea finally married!!!   It was not done in my time but in Gods time.  And this mothers day I will be thinking about my baby that is in Heaven, one day I will get to meet him or her (they say that once you conceive the baby has a soul). I may not like having to wait to have children but God is doing it for a reason. I have to trust in Him, He know what is best for us.  We may not always like Gods timing, but we need to realize that He has it for a reason and that is what's best for us.
   So this year I will not cry over not being a mother yet.  I will rejoice that I am married. I will rejoice that my back will be taken care of soon (God willing). I will rejoice that I have a fantastic family that is there for me and prays for me. I will rejoice that I have a heavenly Father that loves me and wants the best for me!! I may not be a mother YET, but I am BLESSED.  All things will come in Gods time, just have faith.