I have been wanting kids forever!! I didn't get married until 33 years old. I am a christian woman, so I believe everything happens in Gods time and way. But I am starting to believe that God does not want me to have children because of all the obstacles he puts in my way.
Let me give a little background info. I am a 36 year old woman who is morbidly obese, I was born fat and food is my comfort/friend/downfall. I also have back issues now due to 2 car accidents and am currently waiting for a back fusion. I was doing good losing weight(actually lost 50lbs!) until the first car accident which caused me to have to have a major surgery on my neck, we decided to hold off on the back until I was older. 16 months later I was just starting to improve from the surgery, but then I was rear-ended again (I was completely stopped at a red light but the lady behind me never stopped--same exact thing happened in the 1st accident), this was 4 days before my wedding!! I was thinking God cause the doctor told me to take extra pain medicine so I could still walk down the isle (Good thing I had it recorded, cause I cant remember it!! LOL) My back was worse and we tried holding off on surgery as long as possible, but it got to the point that I could not stand for 10 minutes without hurting and I had to use a wheelchair anytime I went out of the house. So I ended up getting a Laminectomy (we didn't want the fusion because I am still young). A year after my laminectomy and I was improving, I had part of my life back!! I was able to do edging, trim the bushes(couldn't bend to pick them up but I could use the clippers to cut them) and I was walking again (I even did my first 5K walk!!). But then in October I fell over a cardboard box that I had for my cat in my bedroom. I went all the way to the floor. I tried to ignore the pain and just thought it would go away, but I kept getting worse as time went on. Since then I have been on pain meds, done PT (which didn't help), and have had another epidural shot(which made me worse). The pain specialist said that I didn't need major surgery, so I asked him about the Laser Spine Institute, and he said to go cause they might be able to help me. But, before I got to go, I had sprained my back (just by taking a normal step) and ended up in the hospital. While in the hospital they did another MRI without contrast and concluded that my only issue was that I was FAT and needed to lose weight. After fighting with the doctor he finally looked at the MRI they did a month ago and saw that I did indeed have a herniated disc, but he still concluded that my only issue was being fat and losing weight would correct everything!! Since then the pain specialist has taken that stand as well. I finally did end up going to Tampa for the spine center and their MRI showed that I have 2 herniated discs and need to have a fusion. But now the insurance company is denying it due to not getting the proper paperwork showing that I have done PT and other prior treatments before surgery. So I am currently waiting for them to set up a peer to peer phone call to hopefully overturn that. In the meantime I had to go back to the pain specialist for more pain meds and he still stands on the idea that I just need to lose weight and that will correct everything. I am waiting to receive the MRI reports from the spine center so I can take them to the pain doctor.
How are you suppose to lose over 150lbs without being able to exercise? I am in a catch 22 here. I know it's my fault that I let myself get this big but I am tying to loose wight now and have all these issues that keep coming up. I did have a miscarriage back in Jan 2014, I believe it was due to the anesthesia for one of my back procedures(at the time i thought it was God telling me it wasn't time to have a child yet, but showed that I could). With all these other issues arising thought I truly believe He might not want me to have children. I know everything is done in His time and way. All I can do is continue to pray and do the best that I can to get myself better.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
I had my first sale today!!!
I had my first sale today!!!!!! I am so excited!
I started jewelry making while I was in recovery in a nursing home from my back surgery. I was so broken hearted to be in a nursing home at age 34 but look at the good thing that has some out of it. God has truly blessed me!!
I started jewelry making while I was in recovery in a nursing home from my back surgery. I was so broken hearted to be in a nursing home at age 34 but look at the good thing that has some out of it. God has truly blessed me!!
Check out my store JBreenCreations on Etsy
https://www.etsy.com/shop/JBreenCreations?section_id=17047713&ref=shopsection_leftnav_1
Sunday, March 8, 2015
I opened JBreenCreations
Check it out!!! I started my own business...JBreenCreations. I still have a lot to list yet but it's a start.
I make homemade jewelry with glass beads. And I am also learning how to knit. So please go visit my shop in Etsy.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/JBreenCreations?ref=hdr_shop_menu
I make homemade jewelry with glass beads. And I am also learning how to knit. So please go visit my shop in Etsy.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/JBreenCreations?ref=hdr_shop_menu
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Back to the Dukan Diet
We are going back on the Dukan Diet on Monday 2/2/15 since I can go back on a diet now. I had back surgery on July 17, 2014 and have had a heck of a time healing. But now I am doing much better and the doctor said I could do a diet again.
I am not liking the thought of having to get rid of my veggies again and having pure protein for at least one week. But I have to do this, I am morbidly obese and need to lose weight, especially if I want to have a child of my own one day.
I think I also have an issue of food. Every since I was a little child I use to sneak food because I wasn't allowed to have the junk food but, Tony was always eating it in front of us kids. So now I eat too much and even get 2 sandwiches when we do McDonalds or something like it. With this Dukan Diet I will not be able to have junk food again, but I don't think I will miss it like I did as a child. I need to learn self control and discipline when it comes to food. This Diet allows you to eat as much lean protein as you want and has restrictions on other foods. It is a 4 phase diet that increases the kinds of food you can have as you go along, so I think this will be helpful in teaching me to control my eating.
I want to be around to have kids and be able to play with them. I want to be able to lay down on the ground and play, or roll down hills with them, or go horse back riding on a family vacation one day, or to be there for their wedding. So I am not doing this Dukan Diet again for me I am doing it for my future kids.
I am not liking the thought of having to get rid of my veggies again and having pure protein for at least one week. But I have to do this, I am morbidly obese and need to lose weight, especially if I want to have a child of my own one day.
I think I also have an issue of food. Every since I was a little child I use to sneak food because I wasn't allowed to have the junk food but, Tony was always eating it in front of us kids. So now I eat too much and even get 2 sandwiches when we do McDonalds or something like it. With this Dukan Diet I will not be able to have junk food again, but I don't think I will miss it like I did as a child. I need to learn self control and discipline when it comes to food. This Diet allows you to eat as much lean protein as you want and has restrictions on other foods. It is a 4 phase diet that increases the kinds of food you can have as you go along, so I think this will be helpful in teaching me to control my eating.
I want to be around to have kids and be able to play with them. I want to be able to lay down on the ground and play, or roll down hills with them, or go horse back riding on a family vacation one day, or to be there for their wedding. So I am not doing this Dukan Diet again for me I am doing it for my future kids.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Frustration and I am Relying on God
Yesterday and today have been very frustrating for me!!! I finally get the approval to find a neurosurgeon down here but everyone I called said that they will not touch me because I have already had surgeries (rhizotomies) done. They all said I should return to the surgeon who did them and I explained I cant because I moved and cant take the car ride that far either.
Here is a little background on my situation...I was rear-ended while sitting at a red light in 2012 and then again in 2013. I have 10 disks messed up now. I have already done everything possible before surgery.
After calling a bunch of neurosurgeons I got so frustrated I actually started crying. I had gone from one extreme to the other....finally I can go see someone to fix my back which made me sooo happy then everyone I called said they wouldn't touch me because I have had surgeries before.
My first reaction should have been to pray over the situation. I had txt two of my very best Christian Sisters and asked for prayer and told them about my frustration. Then I sent them another txt after words saying for sharing my frustration with them. But they said that it was fine and that is what Christians Sisters/friends are for. I also told them that I know my situation is in Gods hands and He will take care of my like He always does. I then prayed myself and told God that I am in so much pain and cant wait to go see a neurosurgeon to fix my back, but that I know He knows best and that there must be a reason to as why I have not been able to find a surgeon. Then this morning I went through the same exact thing when trying to find a surgeon.....they will not see me due to having surgery(rhizotomies) before. In my prayer I told God that I know He is waiting to find the right surgeon for me, and that I just have to wait for Him to do that. Finally, after my prayer, I found one that will see me see me only once I get a letter from the lawyer saying the case is closed. (Which will be a little while still).
This purpose of this post is to get you to hopefully keep your trust in God, no matter what the situation. No matter how frustrated or depressed you get you can always turn to God and pray for guidance and help. He hears all of your prayers. He may not answer them right a way but He hears every single one of your prayers. When your hands are tied in a situation and it looks like you have no where else to turn to you can turn to God. No matter how big or small the situation is you can rely on Him.
Here is a little background on my situation...I was rear-ended while sitting at a red light in 2012 and then again in 2013. I have 10 disks messed up now. I have already done everything possible before surgery.
After calling a bunch of neurosurgeons I got so frustrated I actually started crying. I had gone from one extreme to the other....finally I can go see someone to fix my back which made me sooo happy then everyone I called said they wouldn't touch me because I have had surgeries before.
My first reaction should have been to pray over the situation. I had txt two of my very best Christian Sisters and asked for prayer and told them about my frustration. Then I sent them another txt after words saying for sharing my frustration with them. But they said that it was fine and that is what Christians Sisters/friends are for. I also told them that I know my situation is in Gods hands and He will take care of my like He always does. I then prayed myself and told God that I am in so much pain and cant wait to go see a neurosurgeon to fix my back, but that I know He knows best and that there must be a reason to as why I have not been able to find a surgeon. Then this morning I went through the same exact thing when trying to find a surgeon.....they will not see me due to having surgery(rhizotomies) before. In my prayer I told God that I know He is waiting to find the right surgeon for me, and that I just have to wait for Him to do that. Finally, after my prayer, I found one that will see me see me only once I get a letter from the lawyer saying the case is closed. (Which will be a little while still).
This purpose of this post is to get you to hopefully keep your trust in God, no matter what the situation. No matter how frustrated or depressed you get you can always turn to God and pray for guidance and help. He hears all of your prayers. He may not answer them right a way but He hears every single one of your prayers. When your hands are tied in a situation and it looks like you have no where else to turn to you can turn to God. No matter how big or small the situation is you can rely on Him.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
All in Gods Time!!
Well this Sat will mark my 34 year birthday. It is another year that I am not a mother. Because of my childhood I have wanted to start my own family (the right way) since I was 15 years old. But year after year have passed and I have not had any children. I set a time frame of having kids by the time I was 30 years old and that didn't happen either. Every year that went by without being a mother was like another nail being put in my coffin. I would just cry due to the heartache of not having kids.
My boyfriend (who is now my husband) would always tell me that it will happen in Gods time. But to me that was not a good enough answer. I know people who have had kids in their teens and without being married and also people who didn't even deserve kids.....so why was I knot being blessed to have kids???? Was I being punished for some reason?? I just didn't understand it, and I still don't understand it.
I didn't get married until I was 33 years old. We got married 9-13-13, it took me forever to get there but I finally got married. In May of 2012 I was in a car accident that caused me to have to have rhizotomies done in my back and had to have a metal disk put in my neck--I could have been paralyzed if I didn't have that neck surgery. At the time of the car accident and the months that followed I couldn't comprehend why God would allow that to happen. But looking back on it now, God allowed that to happen so that I could get married. But four days before our wedding day I was in another car accident. I was still able to have my wedding, I was all full of pain meds and couldn't dance at my wedding but at least the wedding still happened!!
Life has not been easy with my back pain. I was advised to not have children until my back is fixed. I use a cane and even a wheelchair to walk and go to the stores now. I had to have more rhizotomies done on my back.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have had a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant on Dec 30th and 6 days later I was miscarrying, I was 5weeks pregnant. We were not even trying to get pregnant due to my back issues. With every thing that I have gone though already and knowing that I want kids so bad, I can't figure out why God would put me through a miscarriage. Was it the rhizotomies that I had that caused it? Was it the pain pills I have been on (and am still on) that caused it? There is no way to know. My mother and father in-law said that it happened because they believe there would have been something wrong with the baby and God didn't want that. But I questioned "Why would God even make me pregnant then??" It hurt so bad because I longed for children for so long.
With my back issues I never would have been able to care for the baby if I had had it. I might not have even been able to make it through the full pregnancy even due to back issues. Maybe God allowed the miscarriage to show me that I was able to get pregnant, cause I had wondered if I even ever could. I don't know, and I might not ever know why it happened.
This year I am not going to cry over not having children. I realize I can't have them until my back is fixed because I am not able to care for them. I am putting my faith in God that one day I will have children. I don't know when, but I believe I will.
We need to realize that everything happens in Gods time not ours. If I had had a baby before now, or if I was even pregnant now, I would not be able to care for it or myself (I cant even care for myself right now). The miscarriage still makes me cry but I realize that it was for the best. I have to count the blessing that I have.....this is the first year that I am married!! Yea finally married!!! It was not done in my time but in Gods time. And this mothers day I will be thinking about my baby that is in Heaven, one day I will get to meet him or her (they say that once you conceive the baby has a soul). I may not like having to wait to have children but God is doing it for a reason. I have to trust in Him, He know what is best for us. We may not always like Gods timing, but we need to realize that He has it for a reason and that is what's best for us.
So this year I will not cry over not being a mother yet. I will rejoice that I am married. I will rejoice that my back will be taken care of soon (God willing). I will rejoice that I have a fantastic family that is there for me and prays for me. I will rejoice that I have a heavenly Father that loves me and wants the best for me!! I may not be a mother YET, but I am BLESSED. All things will come in Gods time, just have faith.
My boyfriend (who is now my husband) would always tell me that it will happen in Gods time. But to me that was not a good enough answer. I know people who have had kids in their teens and without being married and also people who didn't even deserve kids.....so why was I knot being blessed to have kids???? Was I being punished for some reason?? I just didn't understand it, and I still don't understand it.
I didn't get married until I was 33 years old. We got married 9-13-13, it took me forever to get there but I finally got married. In May of 2012 I was in a car accident that caused me to have to have rhizotomies done in my back and had to have a metal disk put in my neck--I could have been paralyzed if I didn't have that neck surgery. At the time of the car accident and the months that followed I couldn't comprehend why God would allow that to happen. But looking back on it now, God allowed that to happen so that I could get married. But four days before our wedding day I was in another car accident. I was still able to have my wedding, I was all full of pain meds and couldn't dance at my wedding but at least the wedding still happened!!
Life has not been easy with my back pain. I was advised to not have children until my back is fixed. I use a cane and even a wheelchair to walk and go to the stores now. I had to have more rhizotomies done on my back.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have had a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant on Dec 30th and 6 days later I was miscarrying, I was 5weeks pregnant. We were not even trying to get pregnant due to my back issues. With every thing that I have gone though already and knowing that I want kids so bad, I can't figure out why God would put me through a miscarriage. Was it the rhizotomies that I had that caused it? Was it the pain pills I have been on (and am still on) that caused it? There is no way to know. My mother and father in-law said that it happened because they believe there would have been something wrong with the baby and God didn't want that. But I questioned "Why would God even make me pregnant then??" It hurt so bad because I longed for children for so long.
With my back issues I never would have been able to care for the baby if I had had it. I might not have even been able to make it through the full pregnancy even due to back issues. Maybe God allowed the miscarriage to show me that I was able to get pregnant, cause I had wondered if I even ever could. I don't know, and I might not ever know why it happened.
This year I am not going to cry over not having children. I realize I can't have them until my back is fixed because I am not able to care for them. I am putting my faith in God that one day I will have children. I don't know when, but I believe I will.
We need to realize that everything happens in Gods time not ours. If I had had a baby before now, or if I was even pregnant now, I would not be able to care for it or myself (I cant even care for myself right now). The miscarriage still makes me cry but I realize that it was for the best. I have to count the blessing that I have.....this is the first year that I am married!! Yea finally married!!! It was not done in my time but in Gods time. And this mothers day I will be thinking about my baby that is in Heaven, one day I will get to meet him or her (they say that once you conceive the baby has a soul). I may not like having to wait to have children but God is doing it for a reason. I have to trust in Him, He know what is best for us. We may not always like Gods timing, but we need to realize that He has it for a reason and that is what's best for us.
So this year I will not cry over not being a mother yet. I will rejoice that I am married. I will rejoice that my back will be taken care of soon (God willing). I will rejoice that I have a fantastic family that is there for me and prays for me. I will rejoice that I have a heavenly Father that loves me and wants the best for me!! I may not be a mother YET, but I am BLESSED. All things will come in Gods time, just have faith.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Doing the thing I fear the most right now.
Sometimes holding onto the past can be good and other times it can be bad. I have a past that I would rather forget. Being in an abused childhood was not easy, but it made me who I am today. Today I am a strong willed woman who has the biggest desire to start her own family and love God. God is the one who has been there for me through it all, even at the times that I didn't even know He was there for me or when I just flat out denied Him.
I have had the feeling of talking to my biological father (who I only consider a sperm donator now) lately. But how can I do that when anytime I think about him anxiety wells up inside me? I know he can't hurt me anymore, but there is still that feeling of terror there.
The reason I have been thinking about him is because I feel I have to talk to him to see if he knows Christ before he dies. I am not sure if I want him in Heaven with me, but I know God wants him there. God loves everyone and forgives them of their sins if they ask for it and they believe in Him.
So as a step forward in my faith I am going to try to talk to the one person who I never planned on talking to at all ever again, my biological father. I just took that leap of faith and asked him if he had asked for forgiveness and accepted Christ as his savior. I did this via txt so I will have to wait to see what he says. The only reason I have his number is because someone gave him my phone number against my wishes, and he had been texting me without letting me know who it was. He would send jokes to my phone and when I asked who it was in return he just ignored the question, till one day he said that he was my father and wanted to know if I had any questions for him. He also said that he did not want to scare me: I have to beg the question, if he didn't want to scare me then why didn't he let me know who it was when I asked? See my biological father has been trying to locate me and will not give up. He begs my brother and sister for information about me till he drives them crazy. So I have been doing everything in my power to not have any communication with him at all. But God has been speaking to my heart lately, telling me that I need to lead Tony to the Lord. Maybe through me somehow, he will finally accept Christ and ask for forgiveness.
I am not writing this for self gratification or for people to say "wow she is brave for doing that". I am writing this because I am full of anxiety right now and just need a way to get it out. I know God will relieve me of this anxiety over time. And I truly feel that He is the reason for this feeling of needing to talk to Tony about God.
Maybe this will help someone else who went through the same thing to lead others who hurt them to Christ. Or maybe it will lead someone who was hurt to Christ, knowing that I was hurt but now am living a blessed life because I believe in Christ.
I have had the feeling of talking to my biological father (who I only consider a sperm donator now) lately. But how can I do that when anytime I think about him anxiety wells up inside me? I know he can't hurt me anymore, but there is still that feeling of terror there.
The reason I have been thinking about him is because I feel I have to talk to him to see if he knows Christ before he dies. I am not sure if I want him in Heaven with me, but I know God wants him there. God loves everyone and forgives them of their sins if they ask for it and they believe in Him.
So as a step forward in my faith I am going to try to talk to the one person who I never planned on talking to at all ever again, my biological father. I just took that leap of faith and asked him if he had asked for forgiveness and accepted Christ as his savior. I did this via txt so I will have to wait to see what he says. The only reason I have his number is because someone gave him my phone number against my wishes, and he had been texting me without letting me know who it was. He would send jokes to my phone and when I asked who it was in return he just ignored the question, till one day he said that he was my father and wanted to know if I had any questions for him. He also said that he did not want to scare me: I have to beg the question, if he didn't want to scare me then why didn't he let me know who it was when I asked? See my biological father has been trying to locate me and will not give up. He begs my brother and sister for information about me till he drives them crazy. So I have been doing everything in my power to not have any communication with him at all. But God has been speaking to my heart lately, telling me that I need to lead Tony to the Lord. Maybe through me somehow, he will finally accept Christ and ask for forgiveness.
I am not writing this for self gratification or for people to say "wow she is brave for doing that". I am writing this because I am full of anxiety right now and just need a way to get it out. I know God will relieve me of this anxiety over time. And I truly feel that He is the reason for this feeling of needing to talk to Tony about God.
Maybe this will help someone else who went through the same thing to lead others who hurt them to Christ. Or maybe it will lead someone who was hurt to Christ, knowing that I was hurt but now am living a blessed life because I believe in Christ.
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