All in Gods Time!!

   Well this Sat will mark my 34 year birthday.  It is another year that I am not a mother.   Because of my childhood I have wanted to start my own family (the right way) since I was 15 years old.  But year after year have passed and I have not had any children.  I set a time frame of having kids by the time I was 30 years old and that didn't happen either.   Every year that went by without being a mother was like another nail being put in my coffin.  I would just cry due to the heartache of not having kids. 
  My boyfriend (who is now my husband) would always tell me that it will happen in Gods time.  But to me that was not a good enough answer.  I know people who have had kids in their teens and without being married and also people who didn't even deserve kids.....so why was I knot being blessed to have kids????   Was I being punished for some reason??  I just didn't understand it, and I still don't understand it. 
  I didn't get married until I was 33 years old. We got married 9-13-13, it took me forever to get there but I finally got married.  In May of 2012 I was in a car accident that caused me to have to have rhizotomies done in my back and had to have a metal disk put in my neck--I could have been paralyzed if I didn't have that neck surgery.  At the time of the car accident and the months that followed I couldn't comprehend why God would allow that to happen.  But looking back on it now, God allowed that to happen so that I could get married.  But four days before our wedding day I was in another car accident. I was still able to have my wedding, I was all full of pain meds and couldn't dance at my wedding but at least the wedding still happened!! 
   Life has not been easy with my back pain.  I was advised to not have children until my back is fixed. I use a cane and even a wheelchair to walk and go to the stores now.  I had to have more rhizotomies done on my back.
   The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have had a miscarriage.  I found out I was pregnant on Dec 30th and 6 days later I was miscarrying, I was 5weeks pregnant. We were not even trying to get pregnant due to my back issues.  With every thing that I have gone though already and knowing that I want kids so bad, I can't figure out why God would put me through a miscarriage.  Was it the rhizotomies that I had that caused it?  Was it the pain pills I have been on (and am still on) that caused it?  There is no way to know.  My mother and father in-law said that it happened because they believe there would have been something wrong with the baby and God didn't want that.  But I questioned "Why would God even make me pregnant then??"  It hurt so bad because I longed for children for so long.
  With my back issues I never would have been able to care for the baby if I had had it.  I might not have even been able to make it through the full pregnancy even due to back issues.  Maybe God allowed the miscarriage to show me that I was able to get pregnant, cause I had wondered if I even ever could. I don't know, and I might not ever know why it happened. 
  This year I am not going to cry over not having children.  I realize I can't have them until my back is fixed because I am not able to care for them.  I am putting my faith in God that one day I will have children.  I don't know when, but I believe I will. 
  We need to realize that everything happens in Gods time not ours.  If I had had a baby before now, or if I was even pregnant now, I would not be able to care for it or myself (I cant even care for myself right now). The miscarriage still makes me cry but I realize that it was for the best. I have to count the blessing that I have.....this is the first year that I am married!! Yea finally married!!!   It was not done in my time but in Gods time.  And this mothers day I will be thinking about my baby that is in Heaven, one day I will get to meet him or her (they say that once you conceive the baby has a soul). I may not like having to wait to have children but God is doing it for a reason. I have to trust in Him, He know what is best for us.  We may not always like Gods timing, but we need to realize that He has it for a reason and that is what's best for us.
   So this year I will not cry over not being a mother yet.  I will rejoice that I am married. I will rejoice that my back will be taken care of soon (God willing). I will rejoice that I have a fantastic family that is there for me and prays for me. I will rejoice that I have a heavenly Father that loves me and wants the best for me!! I may not be a mother YET, but I am BLESSED.  All things will come in Gods time, just have faith.

 

 

 

 

Doing the thing I fear the most right now.

     Sometimes holding onto the past can be good and other times it can be bad.  I have a past that I would rather forget.   Being in an abused childhood was not easy, but it made me who I am today.  Today I am a strong willed woman who has the biggest desire to start her own family and love God.  God is the one who has been there for me through it all, even at the times that I didn't even know He was there for me or when I just flat out denied Him.
    I have had the feeling of talking to my biological father (who I only consider a sperm donator now) lately.  But how can I do that when anytime I think about him anxiety wells up inside me?  I know he can't hurt me anymore, but there is still that feeling of terror there. 
   The reason I have been thinking about him is because I feel I have to talk to him to see if he knows Christ before he dies.  I am not sure if I want him in Heaven with me, but I know God wants him there. God loves everyone and forgives them of their sins if they ask for it and they believe in Him.
   So as a step forward in my faith I am going to try to talk to the one person who I never planned on talking to at all ever again, my biological father.  I just took that leap of faith and asked him if he had asked for forgiveness and accepted Christ as his savior.  I did this via txt so I will have to wait to see what he says.  The only reason I have his number is because someone gave him my phone number against my wishes, and he had been texting me without letting me know who it was. He would send jokes to my phone and when I asked who it was in return he just ignored the question, till one day he said that he was my father and wanted to know if I had any questions for him. He also said that he did not want to scare me: I have to beg the question, if he didn't want to scare me then why didn't he let me know who it was when I asked?  See my biological father has been trying to locate me and will not give up. He begs my brother and sister for information about me till he drives them crazy. So I have been doing everything in my power to not have any communication with him at all.  But God has been speaking to my heart lately, telling me that I need to lead Tony to the Lord.  Maybe through me somehow, he will finally accept Christ and ask for forgiveness.
   I am not writing this for self gratification or for people to say "wow she is brave for doing that".  I am writing this because I am full of anxiety right now and just need a way to get it out.  I know God will relieve me of this anxiety over time. And I truly feel that He is the reason for this feeling of needing to talk to Tony about God.
   Maybe this will help someone else who went through the same thing to lead others who hurt them to Christ.  Or maybe it will lead someone who was hurt to Christ, knowing that I was hurt but now am living a blessed life because I believe in Christ.

Beautiful!! And blessed by God!!

   Today is a beautiful day outside!!  I have all the doors and widows open.  I am not able to go outside and sit due to back pain today.  I started to get depressed thinking about how I can't do the things I use to do (I am only 33years old) like going bowling, playing pool, going to the gun range to shoot, and going for long nature walks.  I use to love to scrapbook, put puzzles together, and draw; but now those are limited also because they cause me to hurt. 

    It would be so easy to just give in and complain all the time, but what good would that do. For example, last night I hurt just from broiling steak and cooking eggs for dinner. So my attitude was horrible and I didn't eat dinner which ruined dinner for my husband and my mother as well.  The only thing complaining did was make things worse.  I finally told my husband why I had a rotten attitude which was due to hurting, but really that's just an excuse.  As a Christian I am suppose to take my difficulties and make the best of them (I didn't do that last night).  God allows us to go through things for reasons, we may not know what they are but He knows.  I apologized to my husband and mom last night for the way I acted.  Being in pain like that is no fun, but I NEED to remember that there are people out there who have it worse than I do. Yes, I hurt and need to use a cane or wheelchair at times, but at least I can walk around the house a little bit where as others out there can't even do that. 


   When I am in the here and now situations, I don't always see things right.  I should always look for the positives in any given situation.  I need to work on that, as a Christian and as a better person.  Today I am feeling horrible about how I acted last night, which is usually the case in these situations.  But I can't do anything to change it except to change how I deal with it in the future.  God will get me through this, I just need to work on excepting and dealing with it. Take some time to look at the good things in my life.........I am married to a wonderful Christian man (6 months to the date today!) who has a fantastic Christian family. I have this wonderful friend who has a beautiful family and they worship God also.  In fact Sam is there to lift me up in spirits no matter how far apart we are.  My mother lives with us, and does the things around the house I can't do.  We go to a good church. I have fur critters that love me in their own way. 
 
   One day, hopefully soon I will have back surgery and that will help me.  Until then I just need to rely on God to get me through this and keep a better attitude.   I am truly blessed!!

My ring

 

Kevin and I

 

The Breens

 

Mom and I

 

the Busers

 

Squirt

 

Coal

 
 

Smokey

 

 

 
 

Todays Thoughts

    I am looking online for a book club to join.  I love Catherine Coulter, Janet Evanovich, Richard Castle, and just funny mystery books in general.

• The Stephanie Plum series is one of my favorites!  I crack up every time I read them! 
  
• Then the Nikki Heat series is one of the most recent series I have picked up. 
  
•  Catherine Coulter I like the FBI series. I am not a romantic novel girl.  Just give me some mystery action and I am good to go.
  
• I want to read the Hunger Games books (the movies got me hooked) 
  

   One site that I came across was http://onlinebookclub.org/
They have a system where you can review books and actually get paid for the reviews you write.  It doesn't cost anything to join. And if you don't like the book you had to read just tell the truth about it....that's what they would be paying you for. I personally have not done it yet, but I did sign up for it today so we will see what comes out of it.

   Goodreads is an app that I use on my smart phone. I also have the smart phone version of Kindle. I like that site but it is not what I am really looking for in a book club sort of way. I love that I can find free books on there to read.  I refuse to pay for a book that is only online.  I like the feel of the book in my hands and the smell of the pages.  I do read on my smart phone sometimes, but it's not as good as holding a book.

One thing that I love doing is going to Barns and Nobles and just sitting there reading.  I use to always bring a book and my Christian music with me to the ocean to relax.