Hey guys I have had some Christmas blessings just recently and now my brother Edward could use some.
He has created a go fund me page to raise money for car repairs that he desperately needs. Until he gets the repairs he is not able to drive his car which leaves him in a very bad spot. He needs this car fixed so that he can get to and from work. And he also drives his little girl in his car.
So even if it’s just $5 (or less, whatever you can afford to spare) maybe we all can work together to get him the help he needs.
He has never asked me for help before, so I want to help him as much as I can. And one way I can do that is by sharing his go fund me page.
So if you can’t donate can you please share this post with the rest of the family/friends.
HERE IS HIS CAMPAIGN LINK: gf.me/u/n7v9p8
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
I think I suffer from Depression and Mood Swings
I believe I am suffering from depression. I also think I could be suffering from possible mood swings.
I have not been able to work now for 5 years due to back issues. I have no friends where I live, no church friends, no work friends (due to not being able to work), and I do not have kids (which I am mad at God over) so I don’t have other mothers to hang out with. Sure I have associates at church and in Pokémon Go but no true friends. I consider true friends people you can call in time of need (and they can call you), people who hang out and go to lunch or do other activities with you, or just chill at each others houses. I know my back issues prevent me from doing and going to a lot of things/places, but shouldn’t I still be able to have/make friends.
I have a husband and we own our house (actually it’s his house and there is a prenup saying it, the house is the ONLY thing on the prenup, but it still upsets me because I put him on my bank account in good faith even before we were married: after all two shall become one, but what did I get, a prenup; even though I would NEVER take his grandfathers house away from him, kids or no kids). My mother lives with us only because she has health issues and I would not leave her behind when we got married because she didn’t have a roommate to stay with, so my husband begged her to come with us to Homestead so that I would go with him. She would rather have her own place, but its too expensive here in Florida, and she knows I still need the help. She does the chores around the house because my back won’t let me do them, and I really appreciate that. But sometimes I wish it was just Kevin and I living here, like a normal married couple. I won’t kick my mom to the curb, and I do need the help with the household chores. My in-laws live right next door to us, which is great and bad at the same time. More great than bad, I should say. They drive me to the appointments I can’t drive myself to and they help us out elsewhere when needed. They try not to interfere in our lives to much, and we should really visit them more because for living right next door we hardly see each other. They have gotten a lot of my outrage (especially my mother in law), some of it I feel is warranted but other times I think it’s wrong of me to get mad at them (i see it afterwords), they just want to help us (me) and they care about us and want the best for us. Other than my husband, my mother, and my in-laws we have no other family in the state. My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and still have not been able to take a honeymoon (and I don’t think it will ever happen now, just like how I think God doesn’t want us to have kids).
I am driving my husband crazy. I know he needs to work, and other guys at his job work a lot more OT than he does and they pick on him because he tells them that I complain when he does take OT. The “joke” is that he has to call me for approval to work OT. I only get upset about the OT because the ONLY thing I have to look forward to is the time him and I have together, and when I plan a special dinner or evening he normally takes the offer of OT or is forced OT. I know military and other service wives don’t see their husbands (significant others) for months on end (but I bet a lot of them have kids or friends to hang with). So why can’t I get over not seeing Kevin for a night or two. I HATE looking so forward to spending time with him; like I have no life without him. I read books, color, do crafts, play video games, watch tv/movies, and I do those without him, so why do I HAVE to have “our time/night” and when it doesn’t happen I literally break down in tears. If I had kids, friends to hang out with, or a job/career, then I would have something else to look forward to, but I don’t, and I HATE how that makes me want time with Kevin. He NEVER wonders where I am if he gets home and I am not there, he NEVER texts me to see how long I will be. He has coworkers and other people from the game of thrones game he plays that he talks to and video chats with. Whereas I have no one.
Kevin says that I haven’t been his happy Jenny in a LONG time (for almost 6 years now, since the first car accident). I can be happy one second and the next any little thing will go wrong and ruin the rest of my day, causing me to be ticked off, which usually causes Kevin and I to argue. My anger/temper is out of control when things go wrong/not as I planned, and the more it happens the more I get ticked off. I am a pessimist. I have had no luck in life (except for when God gave me Kevin, and that wasn’t luck that was all God). I have been molested, raped, and have been in accidents that caused my back and neck issues, I am morbidly obese, and I have no kids. More negative thing happen to me than good. Take today for example I went to the store for stuff for homemade pizza for dinner tomorrow, and bread crumbs for chicken Parmesan for tonight and I did the Pokémon so Kevin and I would have more time together tonight (Everything I did, I did thinking about him). But that’s not how the night went at all, basically we at dinner and tied to watch a show which never happened because things just kept interrupting us. And then we actually went to lay down on the bed to chill, he gets a call from work and CHOOSES to go in for OT (even though he already did a 13 hour day!!), now he’s there for at least 4 more hours. I see this situation as ME CHOOSING HIM and HIM CHOOSING WORK/MONEY. And I am the one always in the wrong for being mad and feeling hurt. He is never in the wrong because he’s trying to earn money, and pay our bills and allow me to have nice things. He feels as though he can do no right. I don't mean to make him feel that way, but that's how I am seeing things as they happen. Like I said before I am a pessimist.
I have said all of that because I think all of that plays into my depression. I don’t get to cook holiday meals or birthday cakes, I don’t have kids (which is what I wanted my entire life), I can’t do all the cleaning in my house, I have NO friends, I can’t work, our marriage is not typical at all (and love making rarely happens because I either my back hurts to much or other things prevent it from happening), and I feel God doesn’t like me at times, I am jealous of what others have that I can’t have or don’t have, I was denied the gastric surgery and have to start the whole process over because the doctors office was incompetent and sat on my paperwork for 5 months, I have anxiety in the car still due to what the accidents have done to me. I could go on and on, but I won’t I think you heard enough.
I have not seen a psychiatrist or psychologist, and won’t as long as Kevin is the only one working, we can’t afford any more bills. If my disability case is approved then maybe I can get some help, but not until then. I have asked God to help me with my attitude and emotions and it only seems to get worse.
I ask for your prayers, please. If you leave a comment be truthful in the nicest way possible please.
I have not been able to work now for 5 years due to back issues. I have no friends where I live, no church friends, no work friends (due to not being able to work), and I do not have kids (which I am mad at God over) so I don’t have other mothers to hang out with. Sure I have associates at church and in Pokémon Go but no true friends. I consider true friends people you can call in time of need (and they can call you), people who hang out and go to lunch or do other activities with you, or just chill at each others houses. I know my back issues prevent me from doing and going to a lot of things/places, but shouldn’t I still be able to have/make friends.
I have a husband and we own our house (actually it’s his house and there is a prenup saying it, the house is the ONLY thing on the prenup, but it still upsets me because I put him on my bank account in good faith even before we were married: after all two shall become one, but what did I get, a prenup; even though I would NEVER take his grandfathers house away from him, kids or no kids). My mother lives with us only because she has health issues and I would not leave her behind when we got married because she didn’t have a roommate to stay with, so my husband begged her to come with us to Homestead so that I would go with him. She would rather have her own place, but its too expensive here in Florida, and she knows I still need the help. She does the chores around the house because my back won’t let me do them, and I really appreciate that. But sometimes I wish it was just Kevin and I living here, like a normal married couple. I won’t kick my mom to the curb, and I do need the help with the household chores. My in-laws live right next door to us, which is great and bad at the same time. More great than bad, I should say. They drive me to the appointments I can’t drive myself to and they help us out elsewhere when needed. They try not to interfere in our lives to much, and we should really visit them more because for living right next door we hardly see each other. They have gotten a lot of my outrage (especially my mother in law), some of it I feel is warranted but other times I think it’s wrong of me to get mad at them (i see it afterwords), they just want to help us (me) and they care about us and want the best for us. Other than my husband, my mother, and my in-laws we have no other family in the state. My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and still have not been able to take a honeymoon (and I don’t think it will ever happen now, just like how I think God doesn’t want us to have kids).
I am driving my husband crazy. I know he needs to work, and other guys at his job work a lot more OT than he does and they pick on him because he tells them that I complain when he does take OT. The “joke” is that he has to call me for approval to work OT. I only get upset about the OT because the ONLY thing I have to look forward to is the time him and I have together, and when I plan a special dinner or evening he normally takes the offer of OT or is forced OT. I know military and other service wives don’t see their husbands (significant others) for months on end (but I bet a lot of them have kids or friends to hang with). So why can’t I get over not seeing Kevin for a night or two. I HATE looking so forward to spending time with him; like I have no life without him. I read books, color, do crafts, play video games, watch tv/movies, and I do those without him, so why do I HAVE to have “our time/night” and when it doesn’t happen I literally break down in tears. If I had kids, friends to hang out with, or a job/career, then I would have something else to look forward to, but I don’t, and I HATE how that makes me want time with Kevin. He NEVER wonders where I am if he gets home and I am not there, he NEVER texts me to see how long I will be. He has coworkers and other people from the game of thrones game he plays that he talks to and video chats with. Whereas I have no one.
Kevin says that I haven’t been his happy Jenny in a LONG time (for almost 6 years now, since the first car accident). I can be happy one second and the next any little thing will go wrong and ruin the rest of my day, causing me to be ticked off, which usually causes Kevin and I to argue. My anger/temper is out of control when things go wrong/not as I planned, and the more it happens the more I get ticked off. I am a pessimist. I have had no luck in life (except for when God gave me Kevin, and that wasn’t luck that was all God). I have been molested, raped, and have been in accidents that caused my back and neck issues, I am morbidly obese, and I have no kids. More negative thing happen to me than good. Take today for example I went to the store for stuff for homemade pizza for dinner tomorrow, and bread crumbs for chicken Parmesan for tonight and I did the Pokémon so Kevin and I would have more time together tonight (Everything I did, I did thinking about him). But that’s not how the night went at all, basically we at dinner and tied to watch a show which never happened because things just kept interrupting us. And then we actually went to lay down on the bed to chill, he gets a call from work and CHOOSES to go in for OT (even though he already did a 13 hour day!!), now he’s there for at least 4 more hours. I see this situation as ME CHOOSING HIM and HIM CHOOSING WORK/MONEY. And I am the one always in the wrong for being mad and feeling hurt. He is never in the wrong because he’s trying to earn money, and pay our bills and allow me to have nice things. He feels as though he can do no right. I don't mean to make him feel that way, but that's how I am seeing things as they happen. Like I said before I am a pessimist.
I have said all of that because I think all of that plays into my depression. I don’t get to cook holiday meals or birthday cakes, I don’t have kids (which is what I wanted my entire life), I can’t do all the cleaning in my house, I have NO friends, I can’t work, our marriage is not typical at all (and love making rarely happens because I either my back hurts to much or other things prevent it from happening), and I feel God doesn’t like me at times, I am jealous of what others have that I can’t have or don’t have, I was denied the gastric surgery and have to start the whole process over because the doctors office was incompetent and sat on my paperwork for 5 months, I have anxiety in the car still due to what the accidents have done to me. I could go on and on, but I won’t I think you heard enough.
I have not seen a psychiatrist or psychologist, and won’t as long as Kevin is the only one working, we can’t afford any more bills. If my disability case is approved then maybe I can get some help, but not until then. I have asked God to help me with my attitude and emotions and it only seems to get worse.
I ask for your prayers, please. If you leave a comment be truthful in the nicest way possible please.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
I don't think God wants me to have a child
I have been wanting kids forever!! I didn't get married until 33 years old. I am a christian woman, so I believe everything happens in Gods time and way. But I am starting to believe that God does not want me to have children because of all the obstacles he puts in my way.
Let me give a little background info. I am a 36 year old woman who is morbidly obese, I was born fat and food is my comfort/friend/downfall. I also have back issues now due to 2 car accidents and am currently waiting for a back fusion. I was doing good losing weight(actually lost 50lbs!) until the first car accident which caused me to have to have a major surgery on my neck, we decided to hold off on the back until I was older. 16 months later I was just starting to improve from the surgery, but then I was rear-ended again (I was completely stopped at a red light but the lady behind me never stopped--same exact thing happened in the 1st accident), this was 4 days before my wedding!! I was thinking God cause the doctor told me to take extra pain medicine so I could still walk down the isle (Good thing I had it recorded, cause I cant remember it!! LOL) My back was worse and we tried holding off on surgery as long as possible, but it got to the point that I could not stand for 10 minutes without hurting and I had to use a wheelchair anytime I went out of the house. So I ended up getting a Laminectomy (we didn't want the fusion because I am still young). A year after my laminectomy and I was improving, I had part of my life back!! I was able to do edging, trim the bushes(couldn't bend to pick them up but I could use the clippers to cut them) and I was walking again (I even did my first 5K walk!!). But then in October I fell over a cardboard box that I had for my cat in my bedroom. I went all the way to the floor. I tried to ignore the pain and just thought it would go away, but I kept getting worse as time went on. Since then I have been on pain meds, done PT (which didn't help), and have had another epidural shot(which made me worse). The pain specialist said that I didn't need major surgery, so I asked him about the Laser Spine Institute, and he said to go cause they might be able to help me. But, before I got to go, I had sprained my back (just by taking a normal step) and ended up in the hospital. While in the hospital they did another MRI without contrast and concluded that my only issue was that I was FAT and needed to lose weight. After fighting with the doctor he finally looked at the MRI they did a month ago and saw that I did indeed have a herniated disc, but he still concluded that my only issue was being fat and losing weight would correct everything!! Since then the pain specialist has taken that stand as well. I finally did end up going to Tampa for the spine center and their MRI showed that I have 2 herniated discs and need to have a fusion. But now the insurance company is denying it due to not getting the proper paperwork showing that I have done PT and other prior treatments before surgery. So I am currently waiting for them to set up a peer to peer phone call to hopefully overturn that. In the meantime I had to go back to the pain specialist for more pain meds and he still stands on the idea that I just need to lose weight and that will correct everything. I am waiting to receive the MRI reports from the spine center so I can take them to the pain doctor.
How are you suppose to lose over 150lbs without being able to exercise? I am in a catch 22 here. I know it's my fault that I let myself get this big but I am tying to loose wight now and have all these issues that keep coming up. I did have a miscarriage back in Jan 2014, I believe it was due to the anesthesia for one of my back procedures(at the time i thought it was God telling me it wasn't time to have a child yet, but showed that I could). With all these other issues arising thought I truly believe He might not want me to have children. I know everything is done in His time and way. All I can do is continue to pray and do the best that I can to get myself better.
Let me give a little background info. I am a 36 year old woman who is morbidly obese, I was born fat and food is my comfort/friend/downfall. I also have back issues now due to 2 car accidents and am currently waiting for a back fusion. I was doing good losing weight(actually lost 50lbs!) until the first car accident which caused me to have to have a major surgery on my neck, we decided to hold off on the back until I was older. 16 months later I was just starting to improve from the surgery, but then I was rear-ended again (I was completely stopped at a red light but the lady behind me never stopped--same exact thing happened in the 1st accident), this was 4 days before my wedding!! I was thinking God cause the doctor told me to take extra pain medicine so I could still walk down the isle (Good thing I had it recorded, cause I cant remember it!! LOL) My back was worse and we tried holding off on surgery as long as possible, but it got to the point that I could not stand for 10 minutes without hurting and I had to use a wheelchair anytime I went out of the house. So I ended up getting a Laminectomy (we didn't want the fusion because I am still young). A year after my laminectomy and I was improving, I had part of my life back!! I was able to do edging, trim the bushes(couldn't bend to pick them up but I could use the clippers to cut them) and I was walking again (I even did my first 5K walk!!). But then in October I fell over a cardboard box that I had for my cat in my bedroom. I went all the way to the floor. I tried to ignore the pain and just thought it would go away, but I kept getting worse as time went on. Since then I have been on pain meds, done PT (which didn't help), and have had another epidural shot(which made me worse). The pain specialist said that I didn't need major surgery, so I asked him about the Laser Spine Institute, and he said to go cause they might be able to help me. But, before I got to go, I had sprained my back (just by taking a normal step) and ended up in the hospital. While in the hospital they did another MRI without contrast and concluded that my only issue was that I was FAT and needed to lose weight. After fighting with the doctor he finally looked at the MRI they did a month ago and saw that I did indeed have a herniated disc, but he still concluded that my only issue was being fat and losing weight would correct everything!! Since then the pain specialist has taken that stand as well. I finally did end up going to Tampa for the spine center and their MRI showed that I have 2 herniated discs and need to have a fusion. But now the insurance company is denying it due to not getting the proper paperwork showing that I have done PT and other prior treatments before surgery. So I am currently waiting for them to set up a peer to peer phone call to hopefully overturn that. In the meantime I had to go back to the pain specialist for more pain meds and he still stands on the idea that I just need to lose weight and that will correct everything. I am waiting to receive the MRI reports from the spine center so I can take them to the pain doctor.
How are you suppose to lose over 150lbs without being able to exercise? I am in a catch 22 here. I know it's my fault that I let myself get this big but I am tying to loose wight now and have all these issues that keep coming up. I did have a miscarriage back in Jan 2014, I believe it was due to the anesthesia for one of my back procedures(at the time i thought it was God telling me it wasn't time to have a child yet, but showed that I could). With all these other issues arising thought I truly believe He might not want me to have children. I know everything is done in His time and way. All I can do is continue to pray and do the best that I can to get myself better.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
I had my first sale today!!!
I had my first sale today!!!!!! I am so excited!
I started jewelry making while I was in recovery in a nursing home from my back surgery. I was so broken hearted to be in a nursing home at age 34 but look at the good thing that has some out of it. God has truly blessed me!!
I started jewelry making while I was in recovery in a nursing home from my back surgery. I was so broken hearted to be in a nursing home at age 34 but look at the good thing that has some out of it. God has truly blessed me!!
Check out my store JBreenCreations on Etsy
https://www.etsy.com/shop/JBreenCreations?section_id=17047713&ref=shopsection_leftnav_1
Sunday, March 8, 2015
I opened JBreenCreations
Check it out!!! I started my own business...JBreenCreations. I still have a lot to list yet but it's a start.
I make homemade jewelry with glass beads. And I am also learning how to knit. So please go visit my shop in Etsy.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/JBreenCreations?ref=hdr_shop_menu
I make homemade jewelry with glass beads. And I am also learning how to knit. So please go visit my shop in Etsy.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/JBreenCreations?ref=hdr_shop_menu
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Back to the Dukan Diet
We are going back on the Dukan Diet on Monday 2/2/15 since I can go back on a diet now. I had back surgery on July 17, 2014 and have had a heck of a time healing. But now I am doing much better and the doctor said I could do a diet again.
I am not liking the thought of having to get rid of my veggies again and having pure protein for at least one week. But I have to do this, I am morbidly obese and need to lose weight, especially if I want to have a child of my own one day.
I think I also have an issue of food. Every since I was a little child I use to sneak food because I wasn't allowed to have the junk food but, Tony was always eating it in front of us kids. So now I eat too much and even get 2 sandwiches when we do McDonalds or something like it. With this Dukan Diet I will not be able to have junk food again, but I don't think I will miss it like I did as a child. I need to learn self control and discipline when it comes to food. This Diet allows you to eat as much lean protein as you want and has restrictions on other foods. It is a 4 phase diet that increases the kinds of food you can have as you go along, so I think this will be helpful in teaching me to control my eating.
I want to be around to have kids and be able to play with them. I want to be able to lay down on the ground and play, or roll down hills with them, or go horse back riding on a family vacation one day, or to be there for their wedding. So I am not doing this Dukan Diet again for me I am doing it for my future kids.
I am not liking the thought of having to get rid of my veggies again and having pure protein for at least one week. But I have to do this, I am morbidly obese and need to lose weight, especially if I want to have a child of my own one day.
I think I also have an issue of food. Every since I was a little child I use to sneak food because I wasn't allowed to have the junk food but, Tony was always eating it in front of us kids. So now I eat too much and even get 2 sandwiches when we do McDonalds or something like it. With this Dukan Diet I will not be able to have junk food again, but I don't think I will miss it like I did as a child. I need to learn self control and discipline when it comes to food. This Diet allows you to eat as much lean protein as you want and has restrictions on other foods. It is a 4 phase diet that increases the kinds of food you can have as you go along, so I think this will be helpful in teaching me to control my eating.
I want to be around to have kids and be able to play with them. I want to be able to lay down on the ground and play, or roll down hills with them, or go horse back riding on a family vacation one day, or to be there for their wedding. So I am not doing this Dukan Diet again for me I am doing it for my future kids.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Frustration and I am Relying on God
Yesterday and today have been very frustrating for me!!! I finally get the approval to find a neurosurgeon down here but everyone I called said that they will not touch me because I have already had surgeries (rhizotomies) done. They all said I should return to the surgeon who did them and I explained I cant because I moved and cant take the car ride that far either.
Here is a little background on my situation...I was rear-ended while sitting at a red light in 2012 and then again in 2013. I have 10 disks messed up now. I have already done everything possible before surgery.
After calling a bunch of neurosurgeons I got so frustrated I actually started crying. I had gone from one extreme to the other....finally I can go see someone to fix my back which made me sooo happy then everyone I called said they wouldn't touch me because I have had surgeries before.
My first reaction should have been to pray over the situation. I had txt two of my very best Christian Sisters and asked for prayer and told them about my frustration. Then I sent them another txt after words saying for sharing my frustration with them. But they said that it was fine and that is what Christians Sisters/friends are for. I also told them that I know my situation is in Gods hands and He will take care of my like He always does. I then prayed myself and told God that I am in so much pain and cant wait to go see a neurosurgeon to fix my back, but that I know He knows best and that there must be a reason to as why I have not been able to find a surgeon. Then this morning I went through the same exact thing when trying to find a surgeon.....they will not see me due to having surgery(rhizotomies) before. In my prayer I told God that I know He is waiting to find the right surgeon for me, and that I just have to wait for Him to do that. Finally, after my prayer, I found one that will see me see me only once I get a letter from the lawyer saying the case is closed. (Which will be a little while still).
This purpose of this post is to get you to hopefully keep your trust in God, no matter what the situation. No matter how frustrated or depressed you get you can always turn to God and pray for guidance and help. He hears all of your prayers. He may not answer them right a way but He hears every single one of your prayers. When your hands are tied in a situation and it looks like you have no where else to turn to you can turn to God. No matter how big or small the situation is you can rely on Him.
Here is a little background on my situation...I was rear-ended while sitting at a red light in 2012 and then again in 2013. I have 10 disks messed up now. I have already done everything possible before surgery.
After calling a bunch of neurosurgeons I got so frustrated I actually started crying. I had gone from one extreme to the other....finally I can go see someone to fix my back which made me sooo happy then everyone I called said they wouldn't touch me because I have had surgeries before.
My first reaction should have been to pray over the situation. I had txt two of my very best Christian Sisters and asked for prayer and told them about my frustration. Then I sent them another txt after words saying for sharing my frustration with them. But they said that it was fine and that is what Christians Sisters/friends are for. I also told them that I know my situation is in Gods hands and He will take care of my like He always does. I then prayed myself and told God that I am in so much pain and cant wait to go see a neurosurgeon to fix my back, but that I know He knows best and that there must be a reason to as why I have not been able to find a surgeon. Then this morning I went through the same exact thing when trying to find a surgeon.....they will not see me due to having surgery(rhizotomies) before. In my prayer I told God that I know He is waiting to find the right surgeon for me, and that I just have to wait for Him to do that. Finally, after my prayer, I found one that will see me see me only once I get a letter from the lawyer saying the case is closed. (Which will be a little while still).
This purpose of this post is to get you to hopefully keep your trust in God, no matter what the situation. No matter how frustrated or depressed you get you can always turn to God and pray for guidance and help. He hears all of your prayers. He may not answer them right a way but He hears every single one of your prayers. When your hands are tied in a situation and it looks like you have no where else to turn to you can turn to God. No matter how big or small the situation is you can rely on Him.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
All in Gods Time!!
Well this Sat will mark my 34 year birthday. It is another year that I am not a mother. Because of my childhood I have wanted to start my own family (the right way) since I was 15 years old. But year after year have passed and I have not had any children. I set a time frame of having kids by the time I was 30 years old and that didn't happen either. Every year that went by without being a mother was like another nail being put in my coffin. I would just cry due to the heartache of not having kids.
My boyfriend (who is now my husband) would always tell me that it will happen in Gods time. But to me that was not a good enough answer. I know people who have had kids in their teens and without being married and also people who didn't even deserve kids.....so why was I knot being blessed to have kids???? Was I being punished for some reason?? I just didn't understand it, and I still don't understand it.
I didn't get married until I was 33 years old. We got married 9-13-13, it took me forever to get there but I finally got married. In May of 2012 I was in a car accident that caused me to have to have rhizotomies done in my back and had to have a metal disk put in my neck--I could have been paralyzed if I didn't have that neck surgery. At the time of the car accident and the months that followed I couldn't comprehend why God would allow that to happen. But looking back on it now, God allowed that to happen so that I could get married. But four days before our wedding day I was in another car accident. I was still able to have my wedding, I was all full of pain meds and couldn't dance at my wedding but at least the wedding still happened!!
Life has not been easy with my back pain. I was advised to not have children until my back is fixed. I use a cane and even a wheelchair to walk and go to the stores now. I had to have more rhizotomies done on my back.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have had a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant on Dec 30th and 6 days later I was miscarrying, I was 5weeks pregnant. We were not even trying to get pregnant due to my back issues. With every thing that I have gone though already and knowing that I want kids so bad, I can't figure out why God would put me through a miscarriage. Was it the rhizotomies that I had that caused it? Was it the pain pills I have been on (and am still on) that caused it? There is no way to know. My mother and father in-law said that it happened because they believe there would have been something wrong with the baby and God didn't want that. But I questioned "Why would God even make me pregnant then??" It hurt so bad because I longed for children for so long.
With my back issues I never would have been able to care for the baby if I had had it. I might not have even been able to make it through the full pregnancy even due to back issues. Maybe God allowed the miscarriage to show me that I was able to get pregnant, cause I had wondered if I even ever could. I don't know, and I might not ever know why it happened.
This year I am not going to cry over not having children. I realize I can't have them until my back is fixed because I am not able to care for them. I am putting my faith in God that one day I will have children. I don't know when, but I believe I will.
We need to realize that everything happens in Gods time not ours. If I had had a baby before now, or if I was even pregnant now, I would not be able to care for it or myself (I cant even care for myself right now). The miscarriage still makes me cry but I realize that it was for the best. I have to count the blessing that I have.....this is the first year that I am married!! Yea finally married!!! It was not done in my time but in Gods time. And this mothers day I will be thinking about my baby that is in Heaven, one day I will get to meet him or her (they say that once you conceive the baby has a soul). I may not like having to wait to have children but God is doing it for a reason. I have to trust in Him, He know what is best for us. We may not always like Gods timing, but we need to realize that He has it for a reason and that is what's best for us.
So this year I will not cry over not being a mother yet. I will rejoice that I am married. I will rejoice that my back will be taken care of soon (God willing). I will rejoice that I have a fantastic family that is there for me and prays for me. I will rejoice that I have a heavenly Father that loves me and wants the best for me!! I may not be a mother YET, but I am BLESSED. All things will come in Gods time, just have faith.
My boyfriend (who is now my husband) would always tell me that it will happen in Gods time. But to me that was not a good enough answer. I know people who have had kids in their teens and without being married and also people who didn't even deserve kids.....so why was I knot being blessed to have kids???? Was I being punished for some reason?? I just didn't understand it, and I still don't understand it.
I didn't get married until I was 33 years old. We got married 9-13-13, it took me forever to get there but I finally got married. In May of 2012 I was in a car accident that caused me to have to have rhizotomies done in my back and had to have a metal disk put in my neck--I could have been paralyzed if I didn't have that neck surgery. At the time of the car accident and the months that followed I couldn't comprehend why God would allow that to happen. But looking back on it now, God allowed that to happen so that I could get married. But four days before our wedding day I was in another car accident. I was still able to have my wedding, I was all full of pain meds and couldn't dance at my wedding but at least the wedding still happened!!
Life has not been easy with my back pain. I was advised to not have children until my back is fixed. I use a cane and even a wheelchair to walk and go to the stores now. I had to have more rhizotomies done on my back.
The thing that breaks my heart the most is that I have had a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant on Dec 30th and 6 days later I was miscarrying, I was 5weeks pregnant. We were not even trying to get pregnant due to my back issues. With every thing that I have gone though already and knowing that I want kids so bad, I can't figure out why God would put me through a miscarriage. Was it the rhizotomies that I had that caused it? Was it the pain pills I have been on (and am still on) that caused it? There is no way to know. My mother and father in-law said that it happened because they believe there would have been something wrong with the baby and God didn't want that. But I questioned "Why would God even make me pregnant then??" It hurt so bad because I longed for children for so long.
With my back issues I never would have been able to care for the baby if I had had it. I might not have even been able to make it through the full pregnancy even due to back issues. Maybe God allowed the miscarriage to show me that I was able to get pregnant, cause I had wondered if I even ever could. I don't know, and I might not ever know why it happened.
This year I am not going to cry over not having children. I realize I can't have them until my back is fixed because I am not able to care for them. I am putting my faith in God that one day I will have children. I don't know when, but I believe I will.
We need to realize that everything happens in Gods time not ours. If I had had a baby before now, or if I was even pregnant now, I would not be able to care for it or myself (I cant even care for myself right now). The miscarriage still makes me cry but I realize that it was for the best. I have to count the blessing that I have.....this is the first year that I am married!! Yea finally married!!! It was not done in my time but in Gods time. And this mothers day I will be thinking about my baby that is in Heaven, one day I will get to meet him or her (they say that once you conceive the baby has a soul). I may not like having to wait to have children but God is doing it for a reason. I have to trust in Him, He know what is best for us. We may not always like Gods timing, but we need to realize that He has it for a reason and that is what's best for us.
So this year I will not cry over not being a mother yet. I will rejoice that I am married. I will rejoice that my back will be taken care of soon (God willing). I will rejoice that I have a fantastic family that is there for me and prays for me. I will rejoice that I have a heavenly Father that loves me and wants the best for me!! I may not be a mother YET, but I am BLESSED. All things will come in Gods time, just have faith.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Doing the thing I fear the most right now.
Sometimes holding onto the past can be good and other times it can be bad. I have a past that I would rather forget. Being in an abused childhood was not easy, but it made me who I am today. Today I am a strong willed woman who has the biggest desire to start her own family and love God. God is the one who has been there for me through it all, even at the times that I didn't even know He was there for me or when I just flat out denied Him.
I have had the feeling of talking to my biological father (who I only consider a sperm donator now) lately. But how can I do that when anytime I think about him anxiety wells up inside me? I know he can't hurt me anymore, but there is still that feeling of terror there.
The reason I have been thinking about him is because I feel I have to talk to him to see if he knows Christ before he dies. I am not sure if I want him in Heaven with me, but I know God wants him there. God loves everyone and forgives them of their sins if they ask for it and they believe in Him.
So as a step forward in my faith I am going to try to talk to the one person who I never planned on talking to at all ever again, my biological father. I just took that leap of faith and asked him if he had asked for forgiveness and accepted Christ as his savior. I did this via txt so I will have to wait to see what he says. The only reason I have his number is because someone gave him my phone number against my wishes, and he had been texting me without letting me know who it was. He would send jokes to my phone and when I asked who it was in return he just ignored the question, till one day he said that he was my father and wanted to know if I had any questions for him. He also said that he did not want to scare me: I have to beg the question, if he didn't want to scare me then why didn't he let me know who it was when I asked? See my biological father has been trying to locate me and will not give up. He begs my brother and sister for information about me till he drives them crazy. So I have been doing everything in my power to not have any communication with him at all. But God has been speaking to my heart lately, telling me that I need to lead Tony to the Lord. Maybe through me somehow, he will finally accept Christ and ask for forgiveness.
I am not writing this for self gratification or for people to say "wow she is brave for doing that". I am writing this because I am full of anxiety right now and just need a way to get it out. I know God will relieve me of this anxiety over time. And I truly feel that He is the reason for this feeling of needing to talk to Tony about God.
Maybe this will help someone else who went through the same thing to lead others who hurt them to Christ. Or maybe it will lead someone who was hurt to Christ, knowing that I was hurt but now am living a blessed life because I believe in Christ.
I have had the feeling of talking to my biological father (who I only consider a sperm donator now) lately. But how can I do that when anytime I think about him anxiety wells up inside me? I know he can't hurt me anymore, but there is still that feeling of terror there.
The reason I have been thinking about him is because I feel I have to talk to him to see if he knows Christ before he dies. I am not sure if I want him in Heaven with me, but I know God wants him there. God loves everyone and forgives them of their sins if they ask for it and they believe in Him.
So as a step forward in my faith I am going to try to talk to the one person who I never planned on talking to at all ever again, my biological father. I just took that leap of faith and asked him if he had asked for forgiveness and accepted Christ as his savior. I did this via txt so I will have to wait to see what he says. The only reason I have his number is because someone gave him my phone number against my wishes, and he had been texting me without letting me know who it was. He would send jokes to my phone and when I asked who it was in return he just ignored the question, till one day he said that he was my father and wanted to know if I had any questions for him. He also said that he did not want to scare me: I have to beg the question, if he didn't want to scare me then why didn't he let me know who it was when I asked? See my biological father has been trying to locate me and will not give up. He begs my brother and sister for information about me till he drives them crazy. So I have been doing everything in my power to not have any communication with him at all. But God has been speaking to my heart lately, telling me that I need to lead Tony to the Lord. Maybe through me somehow, he will finally accept Christ and ask for forgiveness.
I am not writing this for self gratification or for people to say "wow she is brave for doing that". I am writing this because I am full of anxiety right now and just need a way to get it out. I know God will relieve me of this anxiety over time. And I truly feel that He is the reason for this feeling of needing to talk to Tony about God.
Maybe this will help someone else who went through the same thing to lead others who hurt them to Christ. Or maybe it will lead someone who was hurt to Christ, knowing that I was hurt but now am living a blessed life because I believe in Christ.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Beautiful!! And blessed by God!!
Today is a beautiful day outside!! I have all the doors and widows open. I am not able to go outside and sit due to back pain today. I started to get depressed thinking about how I can't do the things I use to do (I am only 33years old) like going bowling, playing pool, going to the gun range to shoot, and going for long nature walks. I use to love to scrapbook, put puzzles together, and draw; but now those are limited also because they cause me to hurt.
It would be so easy to just give in and complain all the time, but what good would that do. For example, last night I hurt just from broiling steak and cooking eggs for dinner. So my attitude was horrible and I didn't eat dinner which ruined dinner for my husband and my mother as well. The only thing complaining did was make things worse. I finally told my husband why I had a rotten attitude which was due to hurting, but really that's just an excuse. As a Christian I am suppose to take my difficulties and make the best of them (I didn't do that last night). God allows us to go through things for reasons, we may not know what they are but He knows. I apologized to my husband and mom last night for the way I acted. Being in pain like that is no fun, but I NEED to remember that there are people out there who have it worse than I do. Yes, I hurt and need to use a cane or wheelchair at times, but at least I can walk around the house a little bit where as others out there can't even do that.
When I am in the here and now situations, I don't always see things right. I should always look for the positives in any given situation. I need to work on that, as a Christian and as a better person. Today I am feeling horrible about how I acted last night, which is usually the case in these situations. But I can't do anything to change it except to change how I deal with it in the future. God will get me through this, I just need to work on excepting and dealing with it. Take some time to look at the good things in my life.........I am married to a wonderful Christian man (6 months to the date today!) who has a fantastic Christian family. I have this wonderful friend who has a beautiful family and they worship God also. In fact Sam is there to lift me up in spirits no matter how far apart we are. My mother lives with us, and does the things around the house I can't do. We go to a good church. I have fur critters that love me in their own way.
One day, hopefully soon I will have back surgery and that will help me. Until then I just need to rely on God to get me through this and keep a better attitude. I am truly blessed!!
It would be so easy to just give in and complain all the time, but what good would that do. For example, last night I hurt just from broiling steak and cooking eggs for dinner. So my attitude was horrible and I didn't eat dinner which ruined dinner for my husband and my mother as well. The only thing complaining did was make things worse. I finally told my husband why I had a rotten attitude which was due to hurting, but really that's just an excuse. As a Christian I am suppose to take my difficulties and make the best of them (I didn't do that last night). God allows us to go through things for reasons, we may not know what they are but He knows. I apologized to my husband and mom last night for the way I acted. Being in pain like that is no fun, but I NEED to remember that there are people out there who have it worse than I do. Yes, I hurt and need to use a cane or wheelchair at times, but at least I can walk around the house a little bit where as others out there can't even do that.
When I am in the here and now situations, I don't always see things right. I should always look for the positives in any given situation. I need to work on that, as a Christian and as a better person. Today I am feeling horrible about how I acted last night, which is usually the case in these situations. But I can't do anything to change it except to change how I deal with it in the future. God will get me through this, I just need to work on excepting and dealing with it. Take some time to look at the good things in my life.........I am married to a wonderful Christian man (6 months to the date today!) who has a fantastic Christian family. I have this wonderful friend who has a beautiful family and they worship God also. In fact Sam is there to lift me up in spirits no matter how far apart we are. My mother lives with us, and does the things around the house I can't do. We go to a good church. I have fur critters that love me in their own way.
One day, hopefully soon I will have back surgery and that will help me. Until then I just need to rely on God to get me through this and keep a better attitude. I am truly blessed!!
My ring
Kevin and I
The Breens
Mom and I
the Busers
Squirt
Coal
Smokey
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Todays Thoughts
I am looking online for a book club to join. I love Catherine Coulter, Janet Evanovich, Richard Castle, and just funny mystery books in general.
One site that I came across was http://onlinebookclub.org/
They have a system where you can review books and actually get paid for the reviews you write. It doesn't cost anything to join. And if you don't like the book you had to read just tell the truth about it....that's what they would be paying you for. I personally have not done it yet, but I did sign up for it today so we will see what comes out of it.
Goodreads is an app that I use on my smart phone. I also have the smart phone version of Kindle. I like that site but it is not what I am really looking for in a book club sort of way. I love that I can find free books on there to read. I refuse to pay for a book that is only online. I like the feel of the book in my hands and the smell of the pages. I do read on my smart phone sometimes, but it's not as good as holding a book.
One thing that I love doing is going to Barns and Nobles and just sitting there reading. I use to always bring a book and my Christian music with me to the ocean to relax.
- The Stephanie Plum series is one of my favorites! I crack up every time I read them!
- Then the Nikki Heat series is one of the most recent series I have picked up.
- Catherine Coulter I like the FBI series. I am not a romantic novel girl. Just give me some mystery action and I am good to go.
- I want to read the Hunger Games books (the movies got me hooked)
One site that I came across was http://onlinebookclub.org/
They have a system where you can review books and actually get paid for the reviews you write. It doesn't cost anything to join. And if you don't like the book you had to read just tell the truth about it....that's what they would be paying you for. I personally have not done it yet, but I did sign up for it today so we will see what comes out of it.
Goodreads is an app that I use on my smart phone. I also have the smart phone version of Kindle. I like that site but it is not what I am really looking for in a book club sort of way. I love that I can find free books on there to read. I refuse to pay for a book that is only online. I like the feel of the book in my hands and the smell of the pages. I do read on my smart phone sometimes, but it's not as good as holding a book.
One thing that I love doing is going to Barns and Nobles and just sitting there reading. I use to always bring a book and my Christian music with me to the ocean to relax.
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